What makes you the worst version of yourself? For me I have noticed that it has a lot to do with room: making room, having room, occupying room. I need room to breathe, room to move around, room to roam, if you will. I need room to think, room to reflect, room to pray, room to pay attention. I need room to be with Jesus, and I need to be with Jesus in room. I need room to sit at his feet and to listen to what he says (Luke 10:39) the way Mary did. I need room to allow his word to do its work deep within me.
And when I don't have room, when I am crowded and pressured and hurried, it can get ugly inside really fast. A sense of constant frustration is one of the early warning signs, but if I follow that down a little deeper I don't have to go far before I run into those familiar foes anxiety and insecurity. I start to feel like life is living me rather than me living life. Does that sound familiar? Distracted, worried and upset? Hello Martha. And for me, hello worst self!
The funny thing about room is that it doesn't just happen on its own. You have to be intentional. You won't just find room, you have to make room. Maybe that's part of what Jesus was trying to teach Martha, that if you are not intentional there will be no room, and thus, no peace.
Last week this all played out for me. I noticed that I had been living with a constant sense of frustration. And them came the anxiety and insecurity. A sleepless night or two. Demands and expectations began getting the best of me. It was a slow, subtle thing, the kind of thing that sort of sucks you into a way of being without even noticing it. And then it occurred to me, "I need more room. I've been spending my time with Jesus, but I haven't been specifically making room to sit at his feet and listen to whatever he might have to say. I've been distracted. I've allowed circumstances and worries to dominate my heart." And as soon as I began making more room in my day to sit and listen to the One who calls me his Beloved, perspective began to return, frustration began to fade, and life began to come back into my soul once again--driving out the fear, the anxiety, the insecurity, and the frustration. My circumstances had not changed, but I had. Thanks be to God. Pray that it will stay that way.